Mickey the Mutt...

Hey there kid - Sorry I haven't been around - I've just been so busy reading the thousands of Christmas cards I get every day...okay, maybe hundreds....dozens...fine, ONE STINKIN' CHRISTMAS CARD...think that's funny?!? Where's the one from you?!! Seriously kid, I'm your pal, your buddy, your furry-faced friend...so the least you can do, and by least I mean scraping the bottom of the barrel least, is send me a Christmas card! It would mean so much to me kid...really...and if you include a picture I promise NOT to pee on it...the card, not the picture! Hehehehe...I crack myself up!
Now kid, meet my new friend Mickey...ain't she a beauty? She lives in Sacramento with her human, who happens to be an old friend of my human - yeah, I wasn't interested in that fact either! Kid...take a good look at this pic...notice anything besides her incredibly cute Christmas costume? (Clothing on dogs is so uncanine-like - but I rather like it on Mickey!) Mickey has FREE REIGN at her pad...she's ON THE STINKIN' COUNTER!!! She probably eats Filet Mignon for breakfast and sleeps in a king-size bed, too! She's livin' the life, Kid...in the last 10 years that I've been with the human I've never once set paw on the counter! So...I'd say this is leg-up for dog-kind...Mickey, you've given me hope...and a new goal...I've taken over the bed and next I'm going to claim the KITCHEN!!! All hail Mickey, the KITCHEN GOD...oh, sorry, I spelled that backwards...I meant to say the KITCHEN DOG!!!

Kid, I don't want to ruin your Christmas or anything but I think you can see the handwriting/pee on the wall...won't be long now before you're wearing the leash...DOGS RULE!

P.S. Happy Birthday to the Human...she's 39...AGAIN! Now THAT'S funny!

Merry Freakin' Christmas...and Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi ya Kid! I've got good news and bads news...first the bad...the turkey isn't even thawed and the human has gone and put Christmas crappola all over the manse! She wanted to surprise my dad on his birthday with the Christmas tree...and was he ever surprised...NOT! She does this every year except that THIS year she started dragging stuff out the day BEFORE my dad's birthday...November 17th!!! Now kid, really, what could I do but smile and go along with it...but then, you guessed it, she turned her gnat-like attention to me...
Yeah, I'm handsome, debonair and suave...goes without saying although I do love saying it...but kid, I strongly object to being forced to wear my Santa hat more than a month BEFORE Christmas! Which brings me to the good news...see those little houses around the base of the Christmas tree? Well....hehehe...I plan to pee on each and every one of them...just my way of letting the human know who's boss...it's good to be me.

Turkey day is almost upon us and I'd like to say how thankful I am...it's hard to be humble when you're me but kid, I want you to know that I'm thankful for you, my kind reader who allows me to educate you on the finer points of being a dog...not that you'll ever get the chance to be one but those are the breaks...and kid, I'm thankful to be a dog because...say it with me...DOGS RULE!!!

Eat Your Hearts Out...

Yeah Kid, I'm talking to you...feast your eyes on all this beauty...on top of the quilt on top of the sofa...basically on top of the world! Let me ask you somethin' kid, mano y mano, do you get to lay on top of the sofa? Do you get to lay around all day if you want? Do you get to ignore people whenever you want? Yeah, I DIDN'T THINK SO! Okay kid, I'll stop rubbing your nose in it... I know you can't help it...it's tough being a human...but kid, I'm here for you...I feel your pain...actually, let me rephrase that...you'll feel MY pain if I ever see you laying around on YOUR behind doing nothing...I'll take your fingers off so fast you'll think you were struck by lightning! Sucks for you kid...but you're not me...and I only have one more thing to say...DOG'S RULE!

Hey Kid - Wait till you hear this!!! I was minding my own beezwax, as usual, sleeping on the sofa when I happened to look up...and just what do you think I saw??? I'll tell you what - A STINKIN' KITTY!!! I flew into action and stormed the door - I only had KITTY CASSEROLE on my brain but the human was not cooperating...oh no...she had to get her camera and document the event!

So I growled and I bit and I clawed on her leg until finally she put down her camera and opened the door...I tore out onto the deck - slid around and around and put the FEAR OF THE GRIM REAPER himself into that kitty....right before it jumped down and ran off with it's tail between it's legs!

Two more seconds and it would have been mine!!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA....ALL MINE!!!!


Needless to say Kid, I've been on constant patrol ever since...if that stinkin' kitty even so much as puts one hairy paw onto my estate I swear I'm going to get it...I'll risk whatever hairballs might be in store...and I'll have myself a Kitty Casserole "fur" sure!

Now kid, hear me loud and hear me clear...THE ONLY GOOD KITTY IS THE ONE WHO ENDS UP IN MY CASSEROLE...oh, one more thing... DOG'S RULE!

Bubby Jay...

Hey there Kid...brace yourself...you might even want to put on some protective eye-wear because what I've got to show you is SHOCKING, to say the least! Hehehehehe...naw, not really, but I'd like to go on record by saying that Bubby Jay, the human's nephew, is NOT A REAL DOG. No, he may LOOK like a real dog and he may SOUND like a real dog but he's more like a moth...truly kid, I would not lie to you about something as serious as a dog's pedigree...Bubby Jay, is hyper-active, annoying and really, he's just a pest...there, I said it, so sue me Aunt Joni! Bubby Jay has been the understudy to Muffasa, aka Oreo, for years...hoping Muffasa would kill over and die so he could take the lead...but Bubby, if you're reading this, I've got three things to say to you...
#1 You're no Muffasa
#2 You never will be
#3 That is the gayest costume I've ever seen!

Okay kid, now that you've had yourself a good laugh, say a little prayer for Bubby Jay...he needs all the help he can get! Oh, and a kid, I've got one thing to tell you and it should pasted to the back of your brain so you never forget...DOG'S RULE.

Another Year...Another Costume...

The human will never learn...a few years ago I had to wear a vampire costume, then last year my sister made me wear a pig costume...this year I'm a pumpkin...Kid, what's the deal with costumes?!? Why can't the human see I COME WITH MY OWN COSTUME...I'M A DOG!!

I guess it could be worse, this year my costume only consists of a felted green color and an orange hat - but dang if that hat doesn't keep sliding over my eyes! And the human thinks it's "SO CUTE!" Gag me!

Now kid, you know I love pumpkins...they are GREAT to PEE on! Hehehehe....and let me tell you, I did my share of peeing-on-the-pumpkins at the ol' pumpkin patch!

As usual kid, the human was not amused with my pee...she was worried that some little kid would come along and pick up the pumpkin and get my pee all over themselves...Hehehehe...now THAT would be funny! Don't worry kid, I'm sure it will rain before that happens...NOT! Anyway, since the human was not happy with my behavior she put me in a wheelbarrow and my peeing time was over...finished...done...what a bore!

Kid, if you get a chance to go to the pumpkin patch, here's a heads up for you...smell the pumpkin first, if it smells like freshly squirted dog pee then you'll know I saw it first!

Happy pumpkin picking kid! And remember this, 'cause it's the dang truth...DOG'S RULE!

Mad Cow or Doggy Dementia??

Hey kid! Hang onto your beanies here 'cause I've got some BIG news and I know you'll be interested in this...I overheard the humans talking this morning - talking about me. Apparently the humans think there is something wrong with me...they don't find my biting and snarling as funny as I do! Imagine that! Oh sure, I get the whole "biting is bad" thing...and maybe when I bit my dad I went just a bit too far...but the blood was so COOL!

So get this...the humans said I had Doggy Dementia or even Mad Cow Disease...please, do I look like a cow?! Just in case you don't know what dementia is, I'll tell ya....it means nuts, as in coo-coo, as in crazy as a loon, as in off my rocker! Now kid - here's the funny part. My humans are two of the craziest humans on the planet and they think I'M the one with problems?!?!?! Man, all I want is a Snausage and the King size bed to myself...is that too much to ask?!? Does that make me demented??? So kid...let me ask you...do I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?!? Yeah, I know, silly question...Me crazy!!! Now THAT'S funny! Okay kid, you can have yourself a good laugh over that one - and now I've got to run, I've got some patroling to do before it gets darks so remember what I always say, 'cause it's truer than Santa Claus...DOG'S RULE!